Early Days 1920-1940s
In the early days Jesus discovered America and then immediately created the Alabama Crimson tide. This shit was so goddamn badass that we became the greatest college football of all time, past, present, and future! Early years were easy; we covered ourselves in glory with such haste and style. In 1925 we won our first of 18 national championships (holdmadick) against the evil Washington Huskies. They had us in the first half, but the good guys pulled it out in the end winning 20-19 in what had to be the highest scoring game of all-time back in 1925. Led by Coach Wade Wallace, the Tide won the Natty again in 1926 vs The Stanford Indians in a thrilling 9-9 tie in the Rose Bowl. Ties are like kissing your sister and Bama loves that shit, that championship definitely counts. 1930 would be coach Wallace's hattrick of ships when we chili whacked the Washington State Cougars 24-0. 1934 we were coached by Frank Thomas winning the Southern Championship and rose bowl vs Stanford (again) 29-13. Finished the season 10-0…easy. Our next triumph came in 1941, again coached by Frank Thomas. World War II made the season all weird, some teams played more games than others and it had a strange postseason thing. Anyway 3 champions were crowned including Alabama (even though we lost to Vanderbilt AND Miss St.). Count it. The mighty tide failed to win a natty for the next 20 years in what was considered the most unlikely sports thing that has ever occurred. Then a miracle happened…
Bear Bryant Era 1958-1982
This is when Alabama basically invented winning. Didn’t use any of those pussy trick plays like the forward pass or fake field goals. We just had to rundabawl down the other team’s throat with the magical wishbone formation created by the legendary Paul Bear Bryant. 1961 Bryant led us to glory winning the Southern Conference finishing the year undefeated and outscoring opponents 297-25. God bless America those are some thorough ass whoopings. 1964 the Tide was led by Joe Namath, the sexiest MF to ever throw a football. Broadway Joe led the Tide to a loss in the bowl game vs Texas. Luckily, the AP Poll had already declared us champions so everyone can STFU, I'm counting it. Next year the AP would wait until after the bowls to select a champion. Yeah, were champs in 1965 as well finishing 8-1-1 and beating Nebraska in the Orange bowl. That is 7 nattys so far. In 1973 we won the SEC going 11-0 and were selected to play the Notre Dame Fighting Irish in the Sugar Bowl. We lost 24-23, but managed to get selected National Champions by the coach’s poll because they made the selection before bowl season concluded. WTF did people in charge make picks before the games were played? Anyway, National champs again Roll MF Tide. 1978 Rolled around and Coach Paul Bear Bryant led the tide to a 10-1 regular season winning the SEC again. Bama was then invited to play the #1 ranked Nittany Lions of Penn St. in the Sugar Bowl. Bama beat them down 14-7 and was selected Champions again. In 1979 we completed the regular season undefeated and SEC champions in what seems like the 10th time in Coach Bryant's tenure. But it was actually the 11th time (fuck) under Bryant. For some reason, we played Arkansas in the Sugar Bowl? Smoke them pigs 24-9 to finish 12-0 and be named champs by the AP and coaches Poll. Bryant coached the Tide for 25 years, won 6 national tiles and 13 SEC championships. He finished with a record of 323-85-17 which made him the all-time winningest coach in history at the time. Shortly after he retired in 1982, he was asked what he would do after coaching. He replied "Probably croak in a week". Coach Bryant then ran to the 50-yard line and ascended directly into heaven.
In Between GOATS
I was four when we won the 1992 championship. But the way old people talk about it, it was one of the most beloved modern championships. Coached by Gene Stalling, 11-0 Bama allowed just 9.2 points a game, won the very first SEC championship game, and was selected to play a seemingly invincible #1 ranked Miami in the Sugar Bowl. Miami had just dominated the 80s in a way that only Alabama can usually manage. Led by Heisman winner Gino Torreta “The U” seemed like clear favorites. However, they got they ass stomped 34-13 by the Crimson Tide. We finished the season 13-0 and awarded national champs by the AP and Coaches Poll. The U was basically the Bama of the 80s and defending national champs so I can see why people enjoyed winning this one so much. After Stallings we had this terrible habit of hiring former Alabama players as coaches and they sucked ass until another miracle happened….
Saban begins his reign of Terror
If you thought Alabama was unBEARably awesome from the first 3 paragraphs, just wait until you hear about Nick Saban. When this dude arrived 2007 in Tuscaloosa, there were grown ass men dressed in hounds tooth crying and shit. I've watched pretty much every important game Lord Saban coached for Bama. So this section will be a little more in depth. First season we finished 6-6, Saban got a million dollars for every dub that season. 2008 We lost in the SEC championship game to Florida, and finished 12-2. In 2009 we started this cool tradition of scheduling a top15 team for the first game and absolutely wrecking their program so badly that they sucked for about 3 years afterwards. Our first victim was No.7 Virginia Tech in the Chick Fil-A Bowl going down 34-24. We won the SEC West and met the evil Florida Gators in the SEC Championship. Florida was defending champs and Tebow was the reigning Heisman holder. Bama won 32-12 and Tebow wept those sweet tears. Makes me so happy to see Florida and Tebow get clapped. Bama went on to play Texas in the Championship game and beat Texas 37-21 in a game that was not as close as the score suggested. Texas man Colt McCoy got hurt almost immediately and decided he was too scared to play the Tide and maybe get hurt for the NFL draft. McCoy went on to be a shitty backup for like 15 different NFL teams.
Heisman Time!
2009 also Marks (Ingram) the first Heisman winner in the history of Alabama! Mark Ingram led the Tide to the ship running over everyone in the way. Sometime wildcatting the ball down the other team’s throat. Seemed like the guy ran for 8 yards every time he touched the ball. Really loved this guy. We owe him for attracting more Heisman like players in the future.
2011-12 The Tide covers the Bayou
2011 in retrospect, may have been my favorite championship season. As usual the tide rolled through the regular season stomping the fuck out all the scrubs in the SEC except the terrible LSU tigers. Lester Miles coached like a drunk guy playing madden using all his trick play voodoo coward tactics to upset the tide 9-6 in overtime. Despite the loss, the BCS committee selected Alabama to play LSU in a rematch for the championship game. Everyone on earth hated this shit and cringed at the thought of watching these guys play again. In the Championship game the tide rolled over the bayou 21-0 (godamn). LSU didn’t make it past midfield until the fourth quarter and we only gave up 92 yards. I was drunk as shit scoop talking the whole match. This is especially satisfying because my wife is an LSU fan and I make sure she remembers every chance I get. For some reason she has an LSU 2011 SEC Champs shirt she wears when she feels like looking like 2nd place. Anyway, people hated this rematch so much that they expanded the BCS selection to 4 teams. That’s right, Nick Saban invented the CFB playoffs… but playoffs wouldn’t be conducted for a couple of years.
2012-13 Beatdown
2012 Season marks the only back-to-back Saban championships so far. This particular season was the Johnny football season. Somehow that guy pulled off a miracle and upset the tide 29-24 and won the Heisman. Other rivals like LSU, Auburn, and Georgia fell 21-17, 49-0, and 32-28 respectively. #2 Alabama was selected to play #1 Notre Dame in the BCS championship game. Alabama fans hate Notre Dame because they can put on their shiny gold helmets and everyone thinks they are good for some reason. Bama clapped ND 42-14. It was a blood bath, 2 ND guys got hurt on the opening kickoff and it was 28-0 at half time. Back-to-back most embarrassing beat downs in CFB Championship history. Fuck Notre Dame; Roll Tide.
2015-16 Playoffs?
2015 saw the Tide win the SEC West again, only lost was a 4 turnover shame fest to Ole Miss. We beat a resurgent Florida team in the SEC championship and were selected to the CFB playoffs by the committee. Michigan State got walloped 38-0 against the tide that year. Stringing along the tradition of Big Ten teams getting pumped in the playoffs. Bama met Clemson in the final that ignited a rivalry between the two programs. This would be the first of 3 straight CFB championships vs Clemson and the tide won this one in a thriller 45-40. Derrick Henry won Bama’s second ever Heisman that year and looked like a NFL running back playing against high school kids. He went on to have a great career in the NFL and is a lock for the Hall of fame. In my opinion, Clemson was the only team in Saban’s tenure that really rose up as a proper sustainable challenge to the Tide.
2017-18 Tua Much
2017 Alabama Ran through the SEC unscathed until the Iron bowl vs Auburn where we lost 26-14. We didn’t make it to the SEC Championship as Auburn lost to Georgia in that year…. but still got selected to the CFB playoffs. Everyone was pissed “herpa derp Bama isn't even top 3 in their division. “Bama rewarded the committees savvy decision making by thumping Clemson 24-6 in the Semis and meeting Georgia in the finals. Second All-SEC championship game so far. Bama's offense was stagnant in the first half, then Saban inserted freshman sensation Tua Tagovailoa in the second half. Tua threw the game winning touchdown late to Devonta Smith and the Tide won 26-23. We came back in their mouth.
2020-21 Covid Domination
2020 had an odd shortened schedule due to COVID. But not even World Wars or Pandemics can stop the Tide from Rolling on Saturdays. Bama finished the regular season 10-0 and then beat Florida 52-46 in the SEC Championship game. Bama then went to the playoffs for the 6th time in 7 seasons and promptly defeated them fuck boys from Notre Dame 31-14. We met Ohio St in a final that had the highest over under in championship betting history. Game went over as the tide won 52-24. This year also featured the 3rd Heisman trophy winner from Alabama in the Schools history. Devonta Smith, a WR?!, won the award by taking almost everything he touched to the house. He had 215 yds and 3 TDs in the Championship game. Only 3 non quarter backs have been officially recognized as Heisman since 2000 and they are all from Bama. This was Saban’s 7th national title , 6th with Alabama in 12 years. Guy is on some serious GOAT behavior.
What does the future Hold?
Bama has won 29 SEC championships and 18 national championships. There are currently over 50 former Bama players on active rosters in the NFL and we are favorites to win the Championship next year with our returning Heisman Quarterback Bryce Young, roll tide. This shit IS so godamn badass that we ARE the greatest college football of all time , past, present, and future! *Sean and Bradley support Iowa and Auburn, thus they will never experience true CFB happiness until they accept our lord and savior Bear Bryant and his spiritual son Nick Saban. I bet they did not read this far down.
